Mom’s birthday is approaching and she received a birthday card each from her paternal granny and maternal grandfather (aka Pop). They live a little over 100 miles apart, do not speak regularly and yet they both included the obvious fact – I’m gorgeous.
My good looks are certainly beneficial, because if I came out of Mommy with ginger hair, Mom and Dad would have sold me to the old Kosovan lady who runs a burger van near Redhill Hospital. She fries everything in chip fat. She’d chain me to her bumper and force me to perform magic tricks for her burger patrons.
If only non-ginger all kids had it so easy.
P.S. The photo of my great-Pop IS NOT A MUG SHOT. He has never ever ever ever been in the pokey before. It’s a non-pokey photo!!!
technorati tags: grandparents, birthday, ginger hair, Kosovan, Redhill Hospital, chip fat, magic tricks
I did a big poo
It smelt really really bad
It made my Dad gag!
My bath day has been switched from Saturday to Monday. Mom did this because she can stretch my bath out into a lengthy, entertaining drama and it gives us something to do during the week.
Mom usually wakes up first and walks into the kitchen to make me a bottle. She then gets me out of bed and feeds me. As soon as I finish my feed or give up initially, she brings me into the sittingroom and lays me on my changing mat. This is where the fun actually starts.
As Mom brings in baby wipes, a new nappy, the bathtub, bathoil, top and tail goo, my towel, sponge and a new change of clothes, she tells me silly stories. The one from this morning was short yet funny.
Here’s some background first:
When Mom was growing up, her Mom used to tell her silly lies. One lie which my Mom reused was the Velveeta Cheese Story. According to Granny, Velveeta cheese was created in an Italian monastery back in the 1500’s. It was a compassionate invention by young monks so the older monks would have soft cheese to eat that didn’t hurt their minging, rotting teeth.
Mom knew the story was bologna because Granny can’t lie face to face very well. When she does, all her facial muscles tighten and her lips draw up into a tight o shape. (Daddy calls this a cat’s bum mouth!)
My Mom has learned greatly from Granny’s mistakes over the years and can usually lie convincingly about stupid stuff. She used the Velveeta Cheese story on her friend Leigh in high school, then years later she was with Leigh and Leigh recounted the story to someone else as fact. Now that’s a legacy to be proud of.
Here’s the story:
Mom spent several years perfecting her silly story craft. She dumped several lies on her ditzy pal Lacy. Mom told Lacy if she put batteries in a flashlight backwards it would suck the light out of the room. She also told her if she petted her neighbor’s Pekingese doggie too hard on the back of the head his eyes would pop out. Lacy was much nicer to the doggie after that.
Anyway, when Mom went travelling she loved telling non-Southern Americans about how she had to buy shoes for the first time in her life so she could go on this particular trip.
She told a bunch of Californians in Mexico how she was deeply in love with the hotel’s electricity and indoor plumbing, since her home in Alabama didn’t have such features. Mom also asked the ladies if they had any servants. When the ladies denied having any Mom told them she freed her slaves a year prior since slavery never set well with her. The looks on their faces was priceless.
technorati tags: silly stories, velveeta cheese, rotten teeth, falsehoods, slavery
This morning Dad and I went to the post office to get some stamps.
As we were standing around waiting for the post office to open, a nan and her two small grandkids approached and waited with us.
The kids started to ask their nan if she would buy them sweeties as soon as the shop opened. She tried to divert their attention several times. Her last attempt was to ask them to both sing a song. They started to sing.
The Kids: Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar
Nan: I don’t think the song actually goes like that. Try again.
The Kids: Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar – Oh Nan can we have a chocolate bar? Can we? Can we? Buy us a choccy bar!
Nan: Those aren’t the correct lyrics to that song! Try one more time….
The Kids: TWINKLE TWINKLE CHOCOLATE BAR!!!
Nan: I’m going to have a serious conversation with your Dad later on.
What a brilliant ploy from those kids. I’m seriously jealous!
technorati tags: kids, song, poem, twinke twinkle, lyrics